Why It Can Be Lonely Being a Manager
Being a manager can be an incredibly rewarding role — but it can also be an isolating one, especially in those early days.
While working as a management development consultant a few years ago, a colleague of mine used the phrase “they’ve been promoted to a level of incompetence.” At the time, we had a chuckle about it and spent many hours discussing why this happens to so many people.
It was a bit of an epiphany moment, as I could directly relate to it —not that I admitted it at the time! I’d previously held different management positions, the first of which I’ll always maintain I failed at. I’ve taken a lot of learning from the experience and applied it over the years, but fundamentally, I took a step back from my first management role because ‘I couldn’t do it’. Now, in reality, if I’d had the right support at the time, perhaps it could have been a different story. But if that had happened, it’s unlikely I’d be writing this blog with the wealth of managerial experience gained since that moment nearly 20 years ago.
Why Does This Happen?
For so many people who find themselves in a management position, it’s not unusual to feel alone. Suddenly, people look to you for the answers — and if your promotion is internal, there’s the added dynamic of managing people who were recently your peers (I’ve experienced this too!). In these situations, it’s also not uncommon to find individuals who might quietly hope you’ll fail (let’s be very clear though — this is their problem, not yours!). As a result, that feeling of not having the answer to a question can feel amplified.
One of the key reasons this happens is a lack of structured succession planning and management support. But I’ll save that for another blog.
So, How Can You Practically Deal with This?
Some might immediately say, “You need management training.” While I wouldn’t disagree, this doesn’t address the immediacy of the challenge. Management training is incredibly valuable, but when you’re on day four of your new role, facing a mountain of operational challenges, a training course is unlikely to be the lifeline you need right then.
In my experience, the most effective way to cope in those early days is having access to a mentor.
Ideally, your line manager would fill this role — but this can be tricky. Thoughts like “what if they regret promoting me?” or “I should be able to handle this” can get in the way of asking for help. That said, some people will have an understanding, supportive manager to guide them through those initial challenges. For others though, it’s a very different story — and this is where having an external mentor can be an absolute game-changer.
I’m fortunate to have been in all these positions. I’ve had supportive managers who guided me. I’ve had external mentors who pulled me from the ‘fast-flowing river’ of overwhelm. And as mentioned earlier, I’ve also been left to flounder and ultimately paid the price with failure.
So, why do I say I’m fortunate to have experienced that last one? Because it taught me one of the most valuable lessons for when I returned to management. Always be there to support your people. No matter what their job role — whether they’re managers or not — they’re likely to need your support and guidance. Be the internal mentor for your team, even if you never had one.
If you’re not getting the support you need from your manager, consider setting up an external mentoring relationship. They don’t always need to be senior to you either — some of the best advice I’ve ever received has come from trusted individuals who have worked for me.
And Remember...
It’s not always about formal training. Sometimes, you just need to trust your intuition. You don’t have to know all the answers. You simply need the confidence to go and find them.
You’ve got this.
P.S. If you’re reading this and find yourself right in the middle of the struggle I’ve described, feel free to get in touch. I’d be happy to mentor you, completely free of charge. Drop me an email at contact@haynesoliver.com.
Dave Bownes, Director
Haynes Oliver Limited
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